Whiplash

My head doesn't know what it's priorities are. i have so many tasks and other business to keep track of that I'm getting a little bogged down in what needs to be done first. What's the most important task on my list? Hmm, wedding planning, future mother-in-law visit planning, cooking dinner, laundry, shopping for running shoes and other clothes? AACKK!

I'm going to forget something. Right now, as I'm sitting here, I'm realizing that I should be working on a few invitation issues instead of, oh, I don't know ... blogging. I have to start cooking dinner soon too. The only probably with that tiny cooking plan is that I don't know when Alejandro is going to be back home. I don't want to make something that doesn't reheat well. Oh well, it'll be his loss.

AACKKK! I'm just going to dive into it and we'll see what happens. It's the only way to solve priority problems like this. I always seem to have too many irons in the fire so I'll muddle through somehow. I just have to avoid contracting the grouchies along the way. That's the truly hard part.

The Gym

I just got back from the gym. It wasn't one of those over the top, Biggest Loser, get ripped on steroids kind of workouts, No, my workouts make my blood run smoother through my veins and my muscles and bones stronger and more tuned into each other.

I'm no super model. And I look like a dork in my gym clothes. But the process of walking on the treadmill and doing a little strength training helps me work out the kinks in my trunk after a long day of stress. It helps me to process my thoughts and move forward in my thinking.

For a good long while I have been going to the gym sporadically. I had no goals in mind. I started going to a gym years ago to meet people and attempt to socialize. It didn't work very well, but I gained a few pounds of muscle. Then I met Alejandro and my gym schedule got all out of whack.

So, now, six weeks before I get married, and a week after Indy's last mini-marathon, I have decided to go to the gym more regularly. To be frank, I am a well-endowed woman and I have more back pain than I care to deal with. I need to make my trunk stronger and my posture better. And, it wouldn't hurt to lose just a few pounds before I wear my wedding dress. It fits perfectly, but it's a teensy bit tight. If I don't lose any weight before the big day I have no worries, but I do worry about the chronic back pain. I NEED to strengthen my chest, back, and abdominal muscles if I'm going to be able to hold my head held high when I am eighty years old.

To that end, much attention will be paid to those muscle groups in the gym. I'm also going to register for next year's mini-marathon and get that little feat off my list of things to do before I die. I can't say that I am overly enthused about pushing my body to the limit in a marathon, but I really shouldn't knock it before I try it should I?

I don't like to run. It's bad for your knees and it feels awkward running with a couple of boobs flapping around. I wear sports bras, but they can only do so much before they start to be more painful to wear than helpful to wear. So, I have to figure out how to do this walking, and still meet the time demands for the marathon. I think I can do it. The first step is to register, and tonight I think I'm gonna do it.

Creating

I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I know, I know, I'm a thirty-two year old woman and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up? It's a big decision. Some people are destined for a particular career or path and they know it from, you know ... birth. But, the rest of us struggle to figure it out, or in some cases just move along down the path letting the universe push us around. Well, my struggle is not completely over, but I do know that I want to "Create".

I know, I know, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Well, it means that I want to stop envying and start doing. If no financial windfall comes my way from doing what I want to do then so be it. And, again, what is it that I want to do when I grow up? Create? Well, I've always had a fascination with photography, writing, exploring, and more and more I'm enjoying cooking and gardening. I spent time this weekend chopping up veggies and using the stove to cook up a meal and I LOVED IT! I spent time putting together a selection of music to play at my wedding reception and loved it. I spent time editing photos and loved it. I want the space to grow a garden. I know I'll love it. My hands may get raw and my back may feel painful, but I want to use this body and brain that I have to create and produce not only things that please me, but things that nourish and inspire others.

You could say that I have been doing this all along. When you work in public service as I do you are destined to create opportunities for others. But, it's a machine. There is much creativity in the environment that I work in, but there is also much regulation.

I want freedom.

I NEED to create.

I'm nothing if I stay stagnant and allow the universe to tell me what to do.

Weekend Cooking

I have been on a cooking kick for the longest time. Sometimes I just like to gawk at the culinary creations of others, but in the past couple weeks I have really had the cooking bug. I bought The Pioneer Woman Cooks cookbook by Ree Drummond and I have been venturing into her world of Oklahoma ranch recipes. I've collected oodles and gobs of cookbooks and recipes over the years, but this one is definitely the epitome of country cooking. Last weekend I made the Pioneer Woman recipe for "Migas", a tex-mex version of eggs with veggies and tortillas. It was tasty. However, the breakfast potato recipe was the best.

For dinner and lunches this week I made my mothers recipe for vegetable soup. I change the recipe a bit every time I make it. I like to experiment with different ingredients, but somehow it always ends up tasting about the same. Yum!

I found another recipe for chicken salad that involved the use of curry. Alejandro wanted to try it so I made the salad for our lunches this week. On Monday I took it to work and ate half of the salad before I gave up. It was a blend of chicken, grapes, apple, almonds and a couple other ingredients including curry. The flavors of the salad were just too varied and didn't really jive with my stomach. I blame the curry for putting me over the edge. For some reason I have never been able to consume this Indian spice without having a slight heart palpitation or yuck reflex. The chicken salad is Alejandro's to eat.

We have so much laftover food from last weekend's cooking that I don't think we have much room left in the fridge for more. That won't stop me though. I want to cook! It's an adventure.

Getting Married

I'm getting married! Alejandro proposed in September and now here we are, 51 days until the wedding on June 26th. We're getting hitched in Colorado. I've never wanted to be gawked at by 100 people during a wedding ceremony, so we're limiting the audience. I invited everyone on our list of around 78 people, but naturally, I don't expect the majority of them to show up. Not only are we a shy bride and groom, but we felt it was necessary to make it equally difficult to get to the wedding by all family members. Alejandro's family is in Costa Rica and Venezuela and many cannot travel to the US for a variety of reasons. So, here we are, ready to take the plunge in the mountains of Colorado.

Planning was rough at first, but once we decided where we were going it gradually got a little simpler to figure out. After we get hitched we are going to have a mostly family oriented reception back in Indianapolis. If I could get married today I would. I'm ready.

Alejandro already refers to me as his wife, or "wifey" when he wants to push my buttons. We've been living together for quite awhile. I'll be happy to move forward onto our next set of goals after we make things official.

It feels good to not have to worry about the meat market ever again. I can put my energy into other pursuits.

Driving to D.C.

It’s been a long time since I last posted. Everything is still relatively on track. Mia is running alright. The truly hilarious thing about the whole car repair situation is that it will be repeated once more. About a month after I got Mia back in my care I received a letter from Kia stating that my subframe was being recalled due to road salt deterioration. Ya think? Anyway, Mia has been taken to the doctor once again and will get a completely new subframe. And, I have sent in paperwork to get reimbursed for the other repair. I’m on a waiting list on both accounts to get this resolved. I prefer to look at this as a win win situation. I get a new subframe and I get my money back – I hope.

Knowing that my car is probably not the best to drive on long distances Alejandro and I chose to drive his car to Washington DC for vacation the first week of July. We debated about which city would be the most entertaining to visit that week. We had three options. We would take our passports and check out Toronto, a ten hour drive, or drive to St. Louis, a four hour drive, and Washington D.C., a ten hour drive. The appeal of crossing the border into Canada was quite strong. I asked Alejandro a week or two before we left which city he was most interested in going to and his answer was Toronto. We started our planning for the trip and I just couldn’t get the nagging thoughts out of my head that I have always wanted t o go to D.C. and it would be great to do that near Independence Day. So, we went.

It was a long drive, but we got to drive around a few more states than we had before. Alejandro’s car didn’t like the mountains of West Virginia or Maryland too much, but we got there. It was great to make the drive into D.C. and drive past CIA Headquarters, the Pentagon, Arlington National Cemetery, and other monuments. It felt like all of a sudden the pictures that I already had in my head began to be connected to one another.

We set-up shop in the Capitol Hill Suites, next to the Library of Congress and a couple blocks away from The Capitol building. We fit so snugly into the townhomes and the historical buildings that it was easy to imagine living in the area. For the next few days we walked, took the Metro, and drove to several of the sights. D.C. and its surrounding areas have an interesting character.

One of the things I noticed that wasn’t too surprising was the nature of the vehicles we saw most often. Especially around the CIA Headquarters and the Pentagon there were quite a few four door sedans that were practical, non-descript, and slightly expensive. Sometimes stereotypes are true. It made me re-kindle my love for the BMW. I’m sorry to say that Mia is a cheap version of the BMW and I lust for the real thing, among other cars of course.

Spy fantasies aside, it was a good trip. We drove back on July 3rd to be here in time for the family get together at my brother’s house. It was a rainy holiday, but we managed to blow a few things up by the time the weekend was over and it was good to see everyone. And now we must plan for our next vacation ….

The Track, Part III

It’s been about three weeks since I took my little Mia the Kia in to get some much needed life support. Since then 33 cars and drivers have qualified for the Indianapolis 500 mile race. This weekend hundreds of thousands of people will pour into the Indianapolis Motor Speedway to drink, eat, bake in the sun, and pack into hot, hard bleacher seats like sardines all for the “love” of Indycar racing. Does that sound like fun?

Since I have made this trip to the Speedway track many times I can’t say that it is exactly the most fun thing to be a part of, but old traditions die hard. I was going to go to the track today to witness the Carburation Day festivities, but even my Dad, the biggest Indycar racing fan I know, is bailing out on this day too. So, this morning I slept in ‘til 8:00, woke up, surfed the net, and finished reading a book. It’s a far better pastime than plopping my butt onto a hot, hard bleacher and getting a sun burn watching a couple cars zip past me over and over again.

Over the years I have come to understand that it is not the cars or even the race itself that makes a person want to go to this place. It’s the people. When you walk in to the 2.5 mile round arena that is the Indianapolis Motor Speedway you are thrust into a community that is larger than what you have experienced before. Several hundred thousand people all gathered in one spot to share the same experience gives you an awesome energy rush.

Once you take a seat on one of those hot, hard bleacher seats you need only look around you at the human eye candy to see just how small or large your existence is. If you look off into the distance and see masses of people rising, falling, and milling about like ants making honey you realize just how small and insignificant the life of an individual can be. However, if you look closer you can see perhaps a driver in the race, a white collar business man with an expensive beer in hand, or the roofer with his shirt off and sweat glistening off his deeply tanned back. The track becomes a place where you can disappear, imagine a different life, or simply celebrate a life through one of the largest communal activities known to man. It’s a place to reflect.

However, today I chose to reflect on life in a different way. I checked Mia out of the hospital yesterday and we are going to have some alone time this afternoon to get reacquainted with ourselves and one another. Ahhhh! Happy travels lie ahead ….

The Track, Part II

I was going to make a larger than usual payment on my credit card this month. It’s a three paycheck month and I didn’t have any other big expenses to deal with. I was so excited. The idea of being able to get even further ahead on my debt payoff schedule makes me, hmm, not happy, but fervently anxious. As it is, my schedule right now is about 8 months ahead of where I originally planned it. Not bad. But, it’s still not fast enough for me.

Why am I doing this at an accelerated pace you ask? I want a house. I want to diversify my investment portfolio and live someplace that doesn’t share walls with the neighbors. I can’t even begin to save for a house until I have paid down some of my debt.

Getting rid of debt and buying a house is like a car race. First, you must qualify for the race. I’m still in the qualifying stage. Like most rookies I am still learning how to deal with setbacks. This month my car has broken down and it is currently getting the attention it needs to survive hopefully another year or two. I need it to survive. Buying a new car is not a good option for someone who has a decent debt load and wants to get into the real estate circuit. So, I’ll get the most mileage that I can from this car.

I have a good track record though. My credit history is good and all I really need is a down payment. Once a chunk of the debt has been paid off I will begin saving for the house with Alejandro. If all goes well, we will be searching for sponsorship that will help us get a good home at the end of 2010 or 2011.

Probably the biggest challenge I am likely to face in the coming years of this race is to think about the long term. I was raised in an environment that thought only of the short term. However, somehow I have learned to dream further and think about how to travel farther. Let’s hope we make it to the finish line.

The Track

I’m on track to get back to travelling, but it’s going to be a long road to get there. For the past two weeks I’ve been carpooling with Alejandro. It’s been a little exhausting. At the end of April I began noticing that my tires were squealing in turns where they shouldn’t squeal. Alejandro thought it might be the alignment seeing as how I have never knowingly had an alignment service performed on my car. Deep down though, I thought it might be something else.

Sure enough, it was something else. I took my little Mia, the Kia Optima, to the doctor and found out that the “subframe” was rusted out and on the verge of splitting in two. It was just a tad dangerous to drive, even though the doctor is not “authorized” to use that word. To be honest, I don’t quite know what a “subframe” is, but I do know that a picture frame is pretty much a square and protects the structure of a picture. So, it’s a pretty good guess that a “subframe” is pretty vital to the well-being of a car.

Seeing as how my little Mia has been through so many accidents since she was born in 2001 I thought it might be time to put her to rest. But, I’m not quite willing to add a car payment to my list of monthly bills. So, we googled the “Kia Optima Subframe” and voila, we have a used part and a doctor who is willing to perform transplant surgery. After shipping the subframe to Indy and acquiring a couple other parts I should have Mia back by the middle of next week I hope.

In the meantime, I must suffer the strain of getting up before dawn to travel with Alejandro to work before going to my job for a long ten hour work day. My body aches from lack of sleep and I’m grumpy because I am working extra hard to get major projects off the ground at the library. Stay tuned for more venting ….

The List

About a week ago I remembered a list I had made long ago of the things that I wanted to do before I died. I found it. It’s a bit amusing to be honest. I made the list while still a virgin and most likely fresh out of high school or soon to be.

I wrote that I wanted to do such things as naturally, have sex (as all teens want to do), but also I wrote down simple, less complicated things like riding a roller coaster or go to Jazzfest. I’ve done all of those things now, but there are still several that I still want to do and a few that I don’t have an interest in anymore.

My list looks a little bit like this now:

Run the Mini-Marathon
Skydive
White Water Raft
Scuba Dive
Go Sailing
Fly A Plane
Make Photographs in a Dark Room
Kayak or Canoe Alone
Go Dancing with Alejandro
Go on Picnics
Travel to Many Places
Learn Gardening with Patience
Learn to Cook with Patience
Go to Disneyworld
Take Part in Mardi Gras
Go to the Theatre
Experience a Hurricane
Go Storm Chasing
Drive Across Country
Experience Weightlessness
Ride the Bicycle Again
Write a Newspaper Article
Learn A Self Defense Philosophy
Get Married
Buy A House
Have Babies
Adopt Children
Adopt More Animals
Start A Business
Write in Different Formats
Learn Spanish and Italian
Learn How to Make Pottery
Learn How to Make Baskets
Paint
Knit Scarves

It’s a long list, but I know I’m not done adding things to it. I don’t know why I am alive or why I will some day die, but I do know that I will make the best of the life that I have.

What's the point?

I have lived my life reading book after book and seeing movie after movie and the one thing that has remained constant is that there is always a beginning, middle, and an end to every story. Every struggle needs a conclusion and every story needs a beginning. In the past couple days I have had one question in my mind – what is the point of living and dying?

My Papaw has decided that it is time to die after struggling with a number of ailments in these past few years. The dialysis that has been allowing him to live is something he no longer wants to do. So, now we must say goodbye and let his journey come to an end. Why? What’s the point of living if you are only going to die in the end anyway? Why do we struggle to learn, work, make money so that we can feed ourselves and maybe have a little fun if our end is already written before the beginning has even begun? Why must all good things come to an end? What’s the point of the end?

I asked this question of Alejandro and he didn’t have an answer that I could accept. That’s ok. I don’t think anyone has found the answer to this question – at least not completely. Some may say it is the middle of the story that makes the end meaningful. I cannot deny that living a life masks the pointlessness of the end a little bit, but I still do not understand the point of death.

Why does there have to be a point?

The Indiana Mask

As I look out my window I can see a winter wonderland of white floating down to the ground. I love snow drifts when they’re perfectly formed and untainted by car tires, plows, or the muck of activity. In the past weeks I have enjoyed the simple sites of bird or cat footprints in the fresh snow. Today we have accumulated far more inches than we have all winter. Finally! It’s not winter in Indiana until you have a big snow storm.

The snow is coming a bit late though and this morning I have found myself browsing online for Spring clothing. I saw a few pictures of new outfits with a tropical backdrop and was reminded of Costa Rica once again.

How can you forget a place like this? It is so naturally beautiful with plant and wildlife that it needs nothing to dress it up. One of the first things I noticed when I returned to Indiana was how much we decorate and landscape our lives in the United States. When Alejandro and I first stepped into our apartment after the trip I felt a bit strange. I have a nicely decorated apartment, but I don’t really “need” all of the decoration.

I noticed this even more the day after we returned and visited a doctor to check up on an eye infection I contracted in Costa Rica. The hospital and doctors office was painted with soothing tones and had comforting stale pictures on the walls. It was all designed to make the patient feel comfortable when they’re really not. I had the same exact eye appointment in Costa Rica in a simple building with no soothing paint and art on the walls – and it was cheaper.

We’ve been back from Costa Rica now for about 4 weeks and I still feel like I must return. We weren’t there long enough. I was there long enough to realize that the people of the United States spend far more time and energy trying to create false ideas of comfort than they do actually enjoying and participating in raw reality. However, I haven’t figured out how to break myself out of that false sense of comfort. In fact, I’m part of the engine that creates it.

I like the mask, but I think I need to take it off. Until I can figure out how to do that I guess I’ll enjoy the site of snow covering the harsh cold turf and think about my next excursion beyond the US border.

2009 Goals

I hate making resolutions. It's my feeling that when you make flippant New Year's Resolutions they rarely ever come to fruition. So, I make a list of goals. I rarely ever achieve all of them, but at least I accomplish some of them. My list of things to do includes:

Class 1 Priority:
Pay Down Debt
Get Extra Cash
Write More
Increase Technology Skills
Save For House (Be ready to do so by 2010)
Learn Spanish
Learn and Make New Recipes
Go to Chicago with Mom
Do Family Tree Book

Class 2 Priority:
Decrease Waist Size
Volunteer Somewhere
Take an Arts Class

Class 3 Priority:
Go To Costa Rica
Marathon
Go to Las Vegas
Go to Rome
Dance Lessons
Knit a Scarf

I'm trying to rank them so that I know what is most important. As I was looking at the list I was trying to figure out how I can kill two or three birds with one stone. For instance, I want to learn Spanish, volunteer somewhere, and go to Costa Rica again. If I volunteer in Costa Rica I can learn more Spanish. I need to think more on this. Obviously, the most important goals are money related. I need to figure out how to pay down debt quicker than what I currently can. Any suggestions?

Water Pressure

It’s been a week since I returned from Costa Rica for the second time. Apparently there was an earthquake there early this morning near Volcan Poas. I wonder what sort of terrors I would be putting my brain through if it had happened a week ago on the day we left. We still don’t know what the impact has been on the family. I hope we will hear soon.

One of the first things I noticed about Indiana and the United States after we came back is that the water pressure is too freakin’ hard here. I got used to low water pressure and actually appreciate it now. Costa Rica is not very good on the plumbing side of things, and perhaps to its benefit. The morning after we got back I stepped into the shower, turned on the water, and got scalded with a blast of hot water. I used to like the hot and fast water stream. I suppose I still do like the warmth that eases me into the morning, but damn it’s hard. There’s no reason why we need that much water streaming out of a faucet for a single shower.

Conservation is one of the main selling points about Costa Rica. Eco-friendliness is what makes the country so beautiful and popular with tourists. As long as you are comfortable with being gluttonous with exploring the beauty of the region you can tolerate some of the differences in every day plumbing practices. For instance, in the United States, when you flush in a public place, if you aren’t throwing any paper in the toilet you are probably not a citizen. In Costa Rica you can expect to see a trash can in your bathroom to collect the unmentionable paper. It keeps the water more “organic”. This is a tough practice to follow when you have been trained to discard in the swirly pool. I’ll admit that I was forgetful a few times, but I tried to follow the rules. Thank God I didn’t cause a clog – to my knowledge.

This time around I was less shocked/scared/anxiety riddled about being in a different culture. I’ve started to understand the method to the madness a little more. I’ll talk more on this later. But, I miss my growing family and hope I see them all again soon.

Change in Travel

I woke to a new world this morning and I feel really excited about the new changes in the air. When I began this blog I wanted to talk about my travel aspirations. There are so many aspects of my interests that are tied to travel that it is hard to focus on just, well, travel. For instance, I have a huge financial debt looming over my life and it must be repayed. I’m not unlike anyone else out there in the world today – we all have debts in some way. But, this debt will keep me from exploring and doing all that I want to do in my days – when I want to do it. In recent months I have wrestled with this fact and probably will continue to wrestle with it for quite a long time. It’s a challenge to overcome. I will overcome it.

So, I’m interested in money and how to make it and spend it. I’m pretty good at spending money. It’s my profession. I work at the Indianapolis-Marion County Public Library developing special literacy and library promotional projects. I tend to spend a lot of taxpayer, foundation, and donated money to meet the goals of each project. It is not what I had intended to do when I first began working at the library, but it has a unique and special purpose that helps people grow, learn, and entertain themselves through one of the greatest inventions in the world – the library. Some people tend to think of the library as a quiet place, but, truly, it’s a place with a lot of action. Libraries are one of the biggest change agents in the United States.

The idea of being a change agent and doing work in the community appeals to me. It’s perhaps why I have been such a supporter of Barack Obama for the past two years. I want to surround myself with people who want to work with me and not against me to accomplish goals. I feel like Obama is a person who can work with me and I with him. That’s why I voted for him.

I love watching the political process – especially the role that the media plays in it. Frankly, I tend to be cynical about the role of the media, but as a person who has always been fascinated by what has happened and will happen next I just can’t keep my eyes off a newspaper, internet news site, or television. Observing is experiencing and I do love to experience.

Alejandro chuckles when he reads my posts because they don’t always seem to relate to “travel”. I suppose he is right, but I tend to see things as interconnected. As I experience the changing world around me I feel as though I am always on a journey towards something new even though I haven’t stepped onto a plane, train, or automobile to get there. I hope, if you are reading this, that you won’t mind hearing about my mental explorations as well as my physical explorations.

Sand and Soil

The wind blew leaves and pine needles in my hair as we walked down the unmarked trail in Brown County State Park. Leaves crunched beneath our feet and I remembered the feel of red earth and rock beneath my feet just a few weeks ago. The trail was much steeper and more difficult then.

We were in the Grand Canyon in the first week of October and I wish I could go back - without my camera. I did not take my camera to Brown County yesterday. The beauty of an Indiana autumn has been seared into my memory and is impossible to forget. No, I wanted to go to Brown County so that I could experience the wind and the sunlight passing through the trees. We trekked across the crunchy turf with nothing on our backs, around our necks, or in our hands. I walked hoping to find serenity. Quietness was difficult to come by in the canyons. We took the Bright Angel Trail from the South Rim to the first rest house. There was so much foot traffic along the trail that it was impossible to celebrate a moment for too long for fear of impeding other travellers.

The Grand Canyon was not quite what I expected and yet it was everything I expected. We stayed in Williams along old Route 66 in an historic place called the Grand Canyon Hotel - the oldest hotel in Arizona. From there we drove about an hour to the Grand Canyon through the Coconino National Forest. Neither Alejandro or I expected to see so much pine/evergreen trees on our approach to the canyon. I guess we expected to be able to just drive there and see nothing but rock and dirt until we reached a cliff. Instead, we had to park the car and walk a bit through trees to the Rim Trail. It was a fantastic sight.

We walked along the Rim Trail and meandered in and out of some of the tourist attractions until we found the Bright Angel Trail. With my old 35 mm camera around my neck and my tiny digital lurking somewhere around my wrist, pocket, and backpack we started to descend down the rim into the bowels of the canyon. The path was steep and it was soiled - in a not so welcoming way. The mules that they use on guided trips would appear to become so scared of the descent that they frequently relieve themselves in the tightest and steepest spots. Since I just bought new hiking boots I wasn't really ready to explore the dung heaps just yet, but if you must you must.

After a short time my knees began to feel every foot to rock impact and forward motion was both easy and frightening. We stopped frequently to snap pictures on the way down - not so on the way back. The journey back to the rim was so steep and difficult that I did not care about photos. Alejandro took on some of my weight and we stopped at about every bend with a big rock for sitting. I found it amusing that everyone coming down the trail, no matter what language they were speaking, seemed all smiles until they saw my foreboding, tense, and beet red face. Those of us going back up the trail were sucking the thin air and congregating with much sympathy for each other at every stopping point hoping that we would not give into the dizziness and hurl ourselves off the edge. Serenity was not tops on my list of feelings and sensations.

When we conquered the rim I expected to hear cheers and clapping for some idiotic reason, but the Irish, German, and Asian accents did not reveal any well wishes. We sat, ate trailmix, walked back along the rim and revisited the most photogenic tarantula in the Grand Canyon.

I want to go again. I won't take both of my cameras and might not take either one. I just want to hike further and faster. I want to get all the way down the canyon and maybe cross to the North Rim. I want to raft down the Colorado.

But, until then, I think I can be content with Indiana forest trails. They're not as steep, but if I go fast enough I will break a sweat. They are certainly alot quieter.

Money Money Money

I choose travel. I was debating on whether I should continue saving for travel or looking into buying a house this next year, but as of today, my chances of getting a house are slim. I have a good credit score (or at least I did) and Alejandro and I could certainly afford a house payment. In this market, though, home buyers need a really good down payment and may possibly need to just buy a house outright after today's decision to not bailout the banks. So, I choose travel.

It's probably an irresponsible choice. After all, I have quite a bit of debt to payoff. But, at least two people have told me that I worry too much about money. Even today someone told me that she hasn't seen me happy for a long time and she's worried about me. I didn't get a chance to tell her that things are looking up.

After sinking another $700 into my car on my birthday I will finally be able to crawl out of my spare cash hole just a bit. At least, the extra car expenses haven't greatly impacted my plans for travelling next week. Thank God for a three paycheck October! The vacation I have been wanting to take for years is finally here.

We got our itinerary all printed out this evening. I hope we haven't overdone it! We fly into Phoenix on Saturday, drive through McCain territory (Sedona) on Sunday (we'll be behind enemy lines, so communication will be at a minimum to avoid Republican whining), stay in Williams while we explore the Grand Canyon, drive out to Monument Valley and stay a night before moving on to Albuquerque for a few days of hot air ballooning. Whew! That's a lot of driving, but I have longed to go to these places for so long. Next year we may be going to Rome so I don't know that we'll make it back that way anytime soon.

I wish it were Friday. This past week or so I have taken on a co-workers job responsibilties in addition to my own and frankly, I'm multitasking all over the place. On top of that, I have had a cold. My yo-yo is wound to tight and needs to be released.

7-7-7

It occurred to me as I lay in bed thinking that I am in the middle of a string of seven year anniversaries. It was seven years ago today that the United States was attacked by terrorists. Tomorrow it will be seven years since I was diagnosed with HPV. On Sunday it will be my seventh birthday since those personally devastating occurrences - I will be 31. I celebrated my 24th birthday in 2001. Or rather, I went through the birthday celebrating motions.

I woke up this morning feeling something across between stress and the beginnings of a cold. It wasn't until I was driving to work and listening to the 9/11 tribute on the radio that I really began to remember. I have felt stress all week due to work and a little too much alone time. But this morning, when I heard the radio tribute I really began to remember the feelings of hopelessness that I felt for so many months after those days. It was something akin to post traumatic stress disorder. I live in Indiana, not New York. I cannot pretend to have the same feelings of despair as some of the individuals of that city, and certainly not as prolonged, but I do remember despair. I still feel it. It is always lurking there in some way waiting for the weakest moment to show itself.

I'll fight it. Sometimes it is minute by minute. At other times it is month to month. I was talking with a co-worker this morning who said he didn't discover his mortality until he was 41. I discovered it at 24. I'm no longer HPV symptomatic and haven't been for 6 years, but I know that I am mortal. I will fight it with every hot air balloon ride, plane trip, cross country hike, and passionate pursuit of pleasure and happiness that I can imagine.

I'm reminded of a speech on C-SPAN months after the attacks. Author Carmen Agra Deedy was speaking in Washington D.C. at the opening of the National Book Festival and she weaved a tale of loss and despair that was so riveting and spellbinding that I could not help but find comfort in it. She reminded me that every experience good or bad has a purpose and a meaning.

In the seven years since those days I have earned two college degrees, secured a professional job, lived on my own, and discovered the joys of living and depending on someone whom I love very much. In this seventh year since 2001 I think I am the luckiest woman in the world. I've still got my moments of despair, but I still have plenty of fight in me too. I may be mortal, but I'm alive.

Existential Moment

Alejandro asked me if I was having an existential moment tonight. I guess I was getting a wee bit too philosophical in trying to explain my latest identity crisis.

I took a couple of days off last week to extend my Labor Day weekend and didn't go anywhere incredibly notable. It's mostly because my travelling funds were sucked out of the gas tank by the car dealership. Last Thursday I spent $460 to fix a car problem that apparently still needs to be fixed. The drive belts, timing belt, and belt tensioner have been replaced, but the rattling, turning, not quite right sound that has been emanating from somewhere inside the body of the car is still there. Needless to say, I hate Ray Skillman Kia, and I never intend to go there for a car repair again.

The car expenses essentially killed long distance travel plans. We had thought about going to St. Louis for a day or two to explore the city. I've never been there. It's about a four hour trip from here to there by car and I do like a good, slightly unplanned road trip. We managed to get away for a few hours. We visited old southern Indiana stomping grounds and explored some backroads of Kentucky while we were at it. Perhaps the most startling aspect of the trip was the lack of people and cars we found along the way. I had expected to see more people out and about, but found there were few people to find. Maybe it was the heat or perhaps the wrong day to find traffic, but I suspect there are few who plan to hit the roads for a little R & R these days. The passion for travel is not quite present with the rising cost of gas. Add other costs like car repairs, credit card bills, loan repayments, etc. etc. etc. and the idea of traveling leaves me feeling a bit deflated.

The extra time to sit at home and ponder my financial problems has left me feeling a little unsure about everything - well, almost everything. I guess I just don't feel an awesome sense of purpose in my life. My work does not fulfill me, or at least I don't feel passionate about it in a good way. The job has taught me alot of things about myself - some good and some bad. It's the bad part that worries me. I feel like I am pigeonholed into a job that won't allow me to grow. Sometimes I feel like I have learned skills that can take me to a lot of places, but other times I feel like I haven't learned enough to really be an agent of change.

I'm drowning. I'm drowning beneath my debt. I'm drowning in my job. I think I'm drowning because I just don't have enough passion, or at least the right kind of passion. Yeah, I'm having an existential moment.

So, I ask myself the same questions I have asked myself many times over - What am I passionate about? What can I do to change my situation? Is it a new job? Do I volunteer somewhere to make my life have some meaning? Do I attempt to start a small business? Do I leave my job knowing I have no money to support myself and hope that someone will help me get by? How do I keep myself afloat while I find my purpose in life? How do I get out from under? How do I find happiness in all aspects of my life? Is it possible to be happy in all aspects of your life at once? Is it possible to have an occupation that challenges and fulfills you at the same time? What is my unique purpose? How can I contribute to my well being and others?

Yep, I'm having an existential moment.

Last week I heard a few people speak at the Democratic Convention and they kept quoting Einstein. They said, 'If you keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results you're not going to get anywhere'. I wonder if I am doing the same things over and over again. Every week I look at my budget sheet hoping to find the answers to my financial problems, but I still haven't found a solid solution that is fool proof.

I feel scatterbrained. Scatterbrained is probably not the right word. I'm a generalist. When I was in high school I remember someone saying that a person of my age would probably have at least ten different jobs before I got put out to pasture. In other words, I needed to know a little bit about everything in order to survive in this economy and keep myself marketable. The only problem with that theory is that now I have alot of great varying skills and abilities, but they don't all match up. So, no matter what I do, I always feel like I am not making use of all my skills.

The word atrophy comes to mind.

I'm thirty years old and I already feel like life may be passing me by. I'm not ready for that yet. I need a fresh perspective. I need a goal. I need a clear direction. There are so many things I want to do in this life and I feel like my ability to do them all, even the things I haven't even thought of yet, is slipping away. I have great organizational abilities, but this is one project I'm not sure I can pull off.

To Rome, Or Not To Rome?

I had pretty much given up on travelling the world until I met Alejandro. I was too scared to travel alone and I really don't have the cash to travel long distances anyway. But, as I sat in the Indianapolis Monument Circle Starbucks listening to Alejandro tell me about his trip to England and France I found myself beginning to dream again - just a little.

To be honest, I was quite envious of his audacity to take a vacation alone to countries that speak in tongues not his own. His "worldliness" was quite intimidating for a gal who has never ventured too far from home. But, his gentle, kind, and loving heart quickly put me at ease and allowed me to dream my little dreams again.

Since then I have purchased a passport and had the audacity to use it. We went to Costa Rica to visit his family. It's a start. We have taken a number of other small trips in the nearly 18 months that we have been a part of each others lives. We're planning another trip to Costa Rica and will visit the Four Corners in October. Who knows, we might even make it to St. Louis this year too.

Tonight we made another pilgrimage to a Starbucks in Barnes & Noble and talked once more about trips we look forward to taking. He sat with a travel book about Germany - a place he will be going to in a couple weeks time for business. I sat with a travel book for Rome. We have often talked about going to Rome, Italy and other places. Alejandro asked if I wanted to go there next year. Of course I do. There's just one problem. I'm thousands of dollars in debt and I want to live in a house some day - soon. I should mention that "soon" was what I was saying two years ago and "soon" is what I will probably be saying two years from now.

So, to Rome, or not to Rome? That is the question. Which dream is more important? Which one can be delayed? Shall I seize the day and fly off into the Roman sunset? Or, shall I pour my heart into purchasing financial freedom only to chain myself to a mortgage at least two years from now with the hopes of someday having a little chunk of change to live on?

I'm thirty years old working in a public service job that pays little. I make the dreams of others a reality. It's easier to help others meet their goals than it is to meet my own. I'm disappointed in myself. It's not what I do that is disappointing - it's the choices I made that got me to this point. In some ways I took the easy way out. I was afraid to take a speech class so I didn't get a Journalism degree. I got a Bachelor's degree in English instead and a Master's degree in Library Science. I ended up having to take speech anyway.

I don't know if I'll go to Rome next year or if I'll have a house in two years, but I do know that neither of those dreams will become a reality if I don't pay down my debt. Something I have been thinking about while reading a book called "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch is that dreams cannot come true unless you put yourself on the path to make them come true.

I recently bought a computer with Alejandro in the hopes that I could use it to improve various skills and hopefully put me on the path to bring in some extra cash. My progress has been slow going. There is always another workout to do, or another concert, or perhaps a reality TV show to watch. I'm having a difficult time finding a balance between work and play. It's frustrating and admittedly I am a bit scared. I may spend a few hours focusing on a new avenue of learning to advance my future and discover something that is discouraging. It's paralyzing. Sometimes I just don't see how I can make the reality meet the dream.

I suppose everyone feels that way these days. The economy is bad, the environment is revolting against the human race, and the world sometimes seems as though it is swirling out of control. And yet, I still cling to hope. I cling to the idea that I will overcome my paralysis. I will make my dreams come true. It will happen. Rome will happen. A home to call my own will happen. If I can dream it I can make it happen. I just have to be willing to face the hard obstacles.