Existential Moment

Alejandro asked me if I was having an existential moment tonight. I guess I was getting a wee bit too philosophical in trying to explain my latest identity crisis.

I took a couple of days off last week to extend my Labor Day weekend and didn't go anywhere incredibly notable. It's mostly because my travelling funds were sucked out of the gas tank by the car dealership. Last Thursday I spent $460 to fix a car problem that apparently still needs to be fixed. The drive belts, timing belt, and belt tensioner have been replaced, but the rattling, turning, not quite right sound that has been emanating from somewhere inside the body of the car is still there. Needless to say, I hate Ray Skillman Kia, and I never intend to go there for a car repair again.

The car expenses essentially killed long distance travel plans. We had thought about going to St. Louis for a day or two to explore the city. I've never been there. It's about a four hour trip from here to there by car and I do like a good, slightly unplanned road trip. We managed to get away for a few hours. We visited old southern Indiana stomping grounds and explored some backroads of Kentucky while we were at it. Perhaps the most startling aspect of the trip was the lack of people and cars we found along the way. I had expected to see more people out and about, but found there were few people to find. Maybe it was the heat or perhaps the wrong day to find traffic, but I suspect there are few who plan to hit the roads for a little R & R these days. The passion for travel is not quite present with the rising cost of gas. Add other costs like car repairs, credit card bills, loan repayments, etc. etc. etc. and the idea of traveling leaves me feeling a bit deflated.

The extra time to sit at home and ponder my financial problems has left me feeling a little unsure about everything - well, almost everything. I guess I just don't feel an awesome sense of purpose in my life. My work does not fulfill me, or at least I don't feel passionate about it in a good way. The job has taught me alot of things about myself - some good and some bad. It's the bad part that worries me. I feel like I am pigeonholed into a job that won't allow me to grow. Sometimes I feel like I have learned skills that can take me to a lot of places, but other times I feel like I haven't learned enough to really be an agent of change.

I'm drowning. I'm drowning beneath my debt. I'm drowning in my job. I think I'm drowning because I just don't have enough passion, or at least the right kind of passion. Yeah, I'm having an existential moment.

So, I ask myself the same questions I have asked myself many times over - What am I passionate about? What can I do to change my situation? Is it a new job? Do I volunteer somewhere to make my life have some meaning? Do I attempt to start a small business? Do I leave my job knowing I have no money to support myself and hope that someone will help me get by? How do I keep myself afloat while I find my purpose in life? How do I get out from under? How do I find happiness in all aspects of my life? Is it possible to be happy in all aspects of your life at once? Is it possible to have an occupation that challenges and fulfills you at the same time? What is my unique purpose? How can I contribute to my well being and others?

Yep, I'm having an existential moment.

Last week I heard a few people speak at the Democratic Convention and they kept quoting Einstein. They said, 'If you keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results you're not going to get anywhere'. I wonder if I am doing the same things over and over again. Every week I look at my budget sheet hoping to find the answers to my financial problems, but I still haven't found a solid solution that is fool proof.

I feel scatterbrained. Scatterbrained is probably not the right word. I'm a generalist. When I was in high school I remember someone saying that a person of my age would probably have at least ten different jobs before I got put out to pasture. In other words, I needed to know a little bit about everything in order to survive in this economy and keep myself marketable. The only problem with that theory is that now I have alot of great varying skills and abilities, but they don't all match up. So, no matter what I do, I always feel like I am not making use of all my skills.

The word atrophy comes to mind.

I'm thirty years old and I already feel like life may be passing me by. I'm not ready for that yet. I need a fresh perspective. I need a goal. I need a clear direction. There are so many things I want to do in this life and I feel like my ability to do them all, even the things I haven't even thought of yet, is slipping away. I have great organizational abilities, but this is one project I'm not sure I can pull off.