I choose travel. I was debating on whether I should continue saving for travel or looking into buying a house this next year, but as of today, my chances of getting a house are slim. I have a good credit score (or at least I did) and Alejandro and I could certainly afford a house payment. In this market, though, home buyers need a really good down payment and may possibly need to just buy a house outright after today's decision to not bailout the banks. So, I choose travel.
It's probably an irresponsible choice. After all, I have quite a bit of debt to payoff. But, at least two people have told me that I worry too much about money. Even today someone told me that she hasn't seen me happy for a long time and she's worried about me. I didn't get a chance to tell her that things are looking up.
After sinking another $700 into my car on my birthday I will finally be able to crawl out of my spare cash hole just a bit. At least, the extra car expenses haven't greatly impacted my plans for travelling next week. Thank God for a three paycheck October! The vacation I have been wanting to take for years is finally here.
We got our itinerary all printed out this evening. I hope we haven't overdone it! We fly into Phoenix on Saturday, drive through McCain territory (Sedona) on Sunday (we'll be behind enemy lines, so communication will be at a minimum to avoid Republican whining), stay in Williams while we explore the Grand Canyon, drive out to Monument Valley and stay a night before moving on to Albuquerque for a few days of hot air ballooning. Whew! That's a lot of driving, but I have longed to go to these places for so long. Next year we may be going to Rome so I don't know that we'll make it back that way anytime soon.
I wish it were Friday. This past week or so I have taken on a co-workers job responsibilties in addition to my own and frankly, I'm multitasking all over the place. On top of that, I have had a cold. My yo-yo is wound to tight and needs to be released.
Random Thoughts
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
7-7-7
It occurred to me as I lay in bed thinking that I am in the middle of a string of seven year anniversaries. It was seven years ago today that the United States was attacked by terrorists. Tomorrow it will be seven years since I was diagnosed with HPV. On Sunday it will be my seventh birthday since those personally devastating occurrences - I will be 31. I celebrated my 24th birthday in 2001. Or rather, I went through the birthday celebrating motions.
I woke up this morning feeling something across between stress and the beginnings of a cold. It wasn't until I was driving to work and listening to the 9/11 tribute on the radio that I really began to remember. I have felt stress all week due to work and a little too much alone time. But this morning, when I heard the radio tribute I really began to remember the feelings of hopelessness that I felt for so many months after those days. It was something akin to post traumatic stress disorder. I live in Indiana, not New York. I cannot pretend to have the same feelings of despair as some of the individuals of that city, and certainly not as prolonged, but I do remember despair. I still feel it. It is always lurking there in some way waiting for the weakest moment to show itself.
I'll fight it. Sometimes it is minute by minute. At other times it is month to month. I was talking with a co-worker this morning who said he didn't discover his mortality until he was 41. I discovered it at 24. I'm no longer HPV symptomatic and haven't been for 6 years, but I know that I am mortal. I will fight it with every hot air balloon ride, plane trip, cross country hike, and passionate pursuit of pleasure and happiness that I can imagine.
I'm reminded of a speech on C-SPAN months after the attacks. Author Carmen Agra Deedy was speaking in Washington D.C. at the opening of the National Book Festival and she weaved a tale of loss and despair that was so riveting and spellbinding that I could not help but find comfort in it. She reminded me that every experience good or bad has a purpose and a meaning.
In the seven years since those days I have earned two college degrees, secured a professional job, lived on my own, and discovered the joys of living and depending on someone whom I love very much. In this seventh year since 2001 I think I am the luckiest woman in the world. I've still got my moments of despair, but I still have plenty of fight in me too. I may be mortal, but I'm alive.
I woke up this morning feeling something across between stress and the beginnings of a cold. It wasn't until I was driving to work and listening to the 9/11 tribute on the radio that I really began to remember. I have felt stress all week due to work and a little too much alone time. But this morning, when I heard the radio tribute I really began to remember the feelings of hopelessness that I felt for so many months after those days. It was something akin to post traumatic stress disorder. I live in Indiana, not New York. I cannot pretend to have the same feelings of despair as some of the individuals of that city, and certainly not as prolonged, but I do remember despair. I still feel it. It is always lurking there in some way waiting for the weakest moment to show itself.
I'll fight it. Sometimes it is minute by minute. At other times it is month to month. I was talking with a co-worker this morning who said he didn't discover his mortality until he was 41. I discovered it at 24. I'm no longer HPV symptomatic and haven't been for 6 years, but I know that I am mortal. I will fight it with every hot air balloon ride, plane trip, cross country hike, and passionate pursuit of pleasure and happiness that I can imagine.
I'm reminded of a speech on C-SPAN months after the attacks. Author Carmen Agra Deedy was speaking in Washington D.C. at the opening of the National Book Festival and she weaved a tale of loss and despair that was so riveting and spellbinding that I could not help but find comfort in it. She reminded me that every experience good or bad has a purpose and a meaning.
In the seven years since those days I have earned two college degrees, secured a professional job, lived on my own, and discovered the joys of living and depending on someone whom I love very much. In this seventh year since 2001 I think I am the luckiest woman in the world. I've still got my moments of despair, but I still have plenty of fight in me too. I may be mortal, but I'm alive.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Existential Moment
Alejandro asked me if I was having an existential moment tonight. I guess I was getting a wee bit too philosophical in trying to explain my latest identity crisis.
I took a couple of days off last week to extend my Labor Day weekend and didn't go anywhere incredibly notable. It's mostly because my travelling funds were sucked out of the gas tank by the car dealership. Last Thursday I spent $460 to fix a car problem that apparently still needs to be fixed. The drive belts, timing belt, and belt tensioner have been replaced, but the rattling, turning, not quite right sound that has been emanating from somewhere inside the body of the car is still there. Needless to say, I hate Ray Skillman Kia, and I never intend to go there for a car repair again.
The car expenses essentially killed long distance travel plans. We had thought about going to St. Louis for a day or two to explore the city. I've never been there. It's about a four hour trip from here to there by car and I do like a good, slightly unplanned road trip. We managed to get away for a few hours. We visited old southern Indiana stomping grounds and explored some backroads of Kentucky while we were at it. Perhaps the most startling aspect of the trip was the lack of people and cars we found along the way. I had expected to see more people out and about, but found there were few people to find. Maybe it was the heat or perhaps the wrong day to find traffic, but I suspect there are few who plan to hit the roads for a little R & R these days. The passion for travel is not quite present with the rising cost of gas. Add other costs like car repairs, credit card bills, loan repayments, etc. etc. etc. and the idea of traveling leaves me feeling a bit deflated.
The extra time to sit at home and ponder my financial problems has left me feeling a little unsure about everything - well, almost everything. I guess I just don't feel an awesome sense of purpose in my life. My work does not fulfill me, or at least I don't feel passionate about it in a good way. The job has taught me alot of things about myself - some good and some bad. It's the bad part that worries me. I feel like I am pigeonholed into a job that won't allow me to grow. Sometimes I feel like I have learned skills that can take me to a lot of places, but other times I feel like I haven't learned enough to really be an agent of change.
I'm drowning. I'm drowning beneath my debt. I'm drowning in my job. I think I'm drowning because I just don't have enough passion, or at least the right kind of passion. Yeah, I'm having an existential moment.
So, I ask myself the same questions I have asked myself many times over - What am I passionate about? What can I do to change my situation? Is it a new job? Do I volunteer somewhere to make my life have some meaning? Do I attempt to start a small business? Do I leave my job knowing I have no money to support myself and hope that someone will help me get by? How do I keep myself afloat while I find my purpose in life? How do I get out from under? How do I find happiness in all aspects of my life? Is it possible to be happy in all aspects of your life at once? Is it possible to have an occupation that challenges and fulfills you at the same time? What is my unique purpose? How can I contribute to my well being and others?
Yep, I'm having an existential moment.
Last week I heard a few people speak at the Democratic Convention and they kept quoting Einstein. They said, 'If you keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results you're not going to get anywhere'. I wonder if I am doing the same things over and over again. Every week I look at my budget sheet hoping to find the answers to my financial problems, but I still haven't found a solid solution that is fool proof.
I feel scatterbrained. Scatterbrained is probably not the right word. I'm a generalist. When I was in high school I remember someone saying that a person of my age would probably have at least ten different jobs before I got put out to pasture. In other words, I needed to know a little bit about everything in order to survive in this economy and keep myself marketable. The only problem with that theory is that now I have alot of great varying skills and abilities, but they don't all match up. So, no matter what I do, I always feel like I am not making use of all my skills.
The word atrophy comes to mind.
I'm thirty years old and I already feel like life may be passing me by. I'm not ready for that yet. I need a fresh perspective. I need a goal. I need a clear direction. There are so many things I want to do in this life and I feel like my ability to do them all, even the things I haven't even thought of yet, is slipping away. I have great organizational abilities, but this is one project I'm not sure I can pull off.
I took a couple of days off last week to extend my Labor Day weekend and didn't go anywhere incredibly notable. It's mostly because my travelling funds were sucked out of the gas tank by the car dealership. Last Thursday I spent $460 to fix a car problem that apparently still needs to be fixed. The drive belts, timing belt, and belt tensioner have been replaced, but the rattling, turning, not quite right sound that has been emanating from somewhere inside the body of the car is still there. Needless to say, I hate Ray Skillman Kia, and I never intend to go there for a car repair again.
The car expenses essentially killed long distance travel plans. We had thought about going to St. Louis for a day or two to explore the city. I've never been there. It's about a four hour trip from here to there by car and I do like a good, slightly unplanned road trip. We managed to get away for a few hours. We visited old southern Indiana stomping grounds and explored some backroads of Kentucky while we were at it. Perhaps the most startling aspect of the trip was the lack of people and cars we found along the way. I had expected to see more people out and about, but found there were few people to find. Maybe it was the heat or perhaps the wrong day to find traffic, but I suspect there are few who plan to hit the roads for a little R & R these days. The passion for travel is not quite present with the rising cost of gas. Add other costs like car repairs, credit card bills, loan repayments, etc. etc. etc. and the idea of traveling leaves me feeling a bit deflated.
The extra time to sit at home and ponder my financial problems has left me feeling a little unsure about everything - well, almost everything. I guess I just don't feel an awesome sense of purpose in my life. My work does not fulfill me, or at least I don't feel passionate about it in a good way. The job has taught me alot of things about myself - some good and some bad. It's the bad part that worries me. I feel like I am pigeonholed into a job that won't allow me to grow. Sometimes I feel like I have learned skills that can take me to a lot of places, but other times I feel like I haven't learned enough to really be an agent of change.
I'm drowning. I'm drowning beneath my debt. I'm drowning in my job. I think I'm drowning because I just don't have enough passion, or at least the right kind of passion. Yeah, I'm having an existential moment.
So, I ask myself the same questions I have asked myself many times over - What am I passionate about? What can I do to change my situation? Is it a new job? Do I volunteer somewhere to make my life have some meaning? Do I attempt to start a small business? Do I leave my job knowing I have no money to support myself and hope that someone will help me get by? How do I keep myself afloat while I find my purpose in life? How do I get out from under? How do I find happiness in all aspects of my life? Is it possible to be happy in all aspects of your life at once? Is it possible to have an occupation that challenges and fulfills you at the same time? What is my unique purpose? How can I contribute to my well being and others?
Yep, I'm having an existential moment.
Last week I heard a few people speak at the Democratic Convention and they kept quoting Einstein. They said, 'If you keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results you're not going to get anywhere'. I wonder if I am doing the same things over and over again. Every week I look at my budget sheet hoping to find the answers to my financial problems, but I still haven't found a solid solution that is fool proof.
I feel scatterbrained. Scatterbrained is probably not the right word. I'm a generalist. When I was in high school I remember someone saying that a person of my age would probably have at least ten different jobs before I got put out to pasture. In other words, I needed to know a little bit about everything in order to survive in this economy and keep myself marketable. The only problem with that theory is that now I have alot of great varying skills and abilities, but they don't all match up. So, no matter what I do, I always feel like I am not making use of all my skills.
The word atrophy comes to mind.
I'm thirty years old and I already feel like life may be passing me by. I'm not ready for that yet. I need a fresh perspective. I need a goal. I need a clear direction. There are so many things I want to do in this life and I feel like my ability to do them all, even the things I haven't even thought of yet, is slipping away. I have great organizational abilities, but this is one project I'm not sure I can pull off.
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