I had pretty much given up on travelling the world until I met Alejandro. I was too scared to travel alone and I really don't have the cash to travel long distances anyway. But, as I sat in the Indianapolis Monument Circle Starbucks listening to Alejandro tell me about his trip to England and France I found myself beginning to dream again - just a little.
To be honest, I was quite envious of his audacity to take a vacation alone to countries that speak in tongues not his own. His "worldliness" was quite intimidating for a gal who has never ventured too far from home. But, his gentle, kind, and loving heart quickly put me at ease and allowed me to dream my little dreams again.
Since then I have purchased a passport and had the audacity to use it. We went to Costa Rica to visit his family. It's a start. We have taken a number of other small trips in the nearly 18 months that we have been a part of each others lives. We're planning another trip to Costa Rica and will visit the Four Corners in October. Who knows, we might even make it to St. Louis this year too.
Tonight we made another pilgrimage to a Starbucks in Barnes & Noble and talked once more about trips we look forward to taking. He sat with a travel book about Germany - a place he will be going to in a couple weeks time for business. I sat with a travel book for Rome. We have often talked about going to Rome, Italy and other places. Alejandro asked if I wanted to go there next year. Of course I do. There's just one problem. I'm thousands of dollars in debt and I want to live in a house some day - soon. I should mention that "soon" was what I was saying two years ago and "soon" is what I will probably be saying two years from now.
So, to Rome, or not to Rome? That is the question. Which dream is more important? Which one can be delayed? Shall I seize the day and fly off into the Roman sunset? Or, shall I pour my heart into purchasing financial freedom only to chain myself to a mortgage at least two years from now with the hopes of someday having a little chunk of change to live on?
I'm thirty years old working in a public service job that pays little. I make the dreams of others a reality. It's easier to help others meet their goals than it is to meet my own. I'm disappointed in myself. It's not what I do that is disappointing - it's the choices I made that got me to this point. In some ways I took the easy way out. I was afraid to take a speech class so I didn't get a Journalism degree. I got a Bachelor's degree in English instead and a Master's degree in Library Science. I ended up having to take speech anyway.
I don't know if I'll go to Rome next year or if I'll have a house in two years, but I do know that neither of those dreams will become a reality if I don't pay down my debt. Something I have been thinking about while reading a book called "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch is that dreams cannot come true unless you put yourself on the path to make them come true.
I recently bought a computer with Alejandro in the hopes that I could use it to improve various skills and hopefully put me on the path to bring in some extra cash. My progress has been slow going. There is always another workout to do, or another concert, or perhaps a reality TV show to watch. I'm having a difficult time finding a balance between work and play. It's frustrating and admittedly I am a bit scared. I may spend a few hours focusing on a new avenue of learning to advance my future and discover something that is discouraging. It's paralyzing. Sometimes I just don't see how I can make the reality meet the dream.
I suppose everyone feels that way these days. The economy is bad, the environment is revolting against the human race, and the world sometimes seems as though it is swirling out of control. And yet, I still cling to hope. I cling to the idea that I will overcome my paralysis. I will make my dreams come true. It will happen. Rome will happen. A home to call my own will happen. If I can dream it I can make it happen. I just have to be willing to face the hard obstacles.